Anonymous asked: where are you from?
So I’ve spent the last two days wondering what I ever did on my weekends when I was single. Only just realised I’ve always been busy studying. This is the first time really in my life I haven’t been a student.
Busy having the biggest fucking freak out I may have ever had
I’m horribly afraid of becoming dependant on you. I’m afraid that letting myself miss you only means you have the power to hurt me. The fear of which is what’s stopping me from admitting my own feelings.
Lately my rush through life has slowed down a little and I’ve had time to sit and think and reflect and I’ve started to remember just how much crap I’ve pulled myself through. Reminiscing listening to Dashboard Confessional, Our Lady Peace and Coheed and Cambria I’m reminded of highschool and some not so great times that when all is said and done have made me the person I am today. Usually I forget about these times, like I remember them but I don’t really remember them. I often remember what happened but I rarely remember how I felt. It also makes me think of friends I have since lost touch with. Friends who I used to be so close with, who didn’t make it out as well as I did. Friends who still struggle on a daily basis just as much as they did back then. I honestly don’t know how I managed to come through this side how I have. This reminiscing must have prompted something else deep in my brain because suddenly I saw my little puppy and remembered again why (not so) secretly he’ll always be my favourite. Coming out of my last relationship and trying to leave 12 months of breakup nightmare behind me, I found him and he saved me. Countless times I would just sit and cuddle him to stop myself from breaking down. Just him being there and trusting me after all the abuse he’d been subjected to before I found him made me feel better. I felt needed and loved. How sad yet beautiful that I found that not in my family or friends, but in my dog. It’s not that my family or friends didn’t love me I guess, but I didn’t feel it. I was numb to everything and maybe it was that despite having been abused to the point of being broken, Midi could find it in himself to trust me, I was forced to realise that I had to learn that again as well.
So many feels
“It’s taboo to admit that you’re lonely. You can make jokes about it, of course. You can tell people that you spend most of your time with Netflix or that you haven’t left the house today and you might not even go outside tomorrow. Ha ha, funny. But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more and more alienated from your friends each passing day and you’re not sure how to fix it. It seems like everyone is just better at living than you are.
A part of you knew this was going to happen. Growing up, you just had this feeling that you wouldn’t transition well to adult life, that you’d fall right through the cracks. And look at you now. La di da, it’s happening.
Your mother, your father, your grandparents: they all look at you like you’re some prized jewel and they tell you over and over again just how lucky you are to be young and have your whole life ahead of you. “Getting old ain’t for sissies,” your father tells you wearily.
You wish they’d stop saying these things to you because all it does is fill you with guilt and panic. All it does is remind you of how much you’re not taking advantage of your youth.
You want to kiss all kinds of different people, you want to wake up in a stranger’s bed maybe once or twice just to see if it feels good to feel nothing, you want to have a group of friends that feels like a tribe, a bonafide family. You want to go from one place to the next constantly and have your weekends feel like one long epic day. You want to dance to stupid music in your stupid room and have a nice job that doesn’t get in the way of living your life too much. You want to be less scared, less anxious, and more willing. Because if you’re closed off now, you can only imagine what you’ll be like later.
Every day you vow to change some aspect of your life and every day you fail. At this point, you’re starting to question your own power as a human being. As of right now, your fears have you beat. They’re the ones that are holding your twenties hostage.
Stop thinking that everyone is having more sex than you, that everyone has more friends than you, that everyone out is having more fun than you. Not because it’s not true (it might be!) but because that kind of thinking leaves you frozen. You’ve already spent enough time feeling like you’re stuck, like you’re watching your life fall through you like a fast dissolve and you’re unable to hold on to anything.
I don’t know if you ever get better. I don’t know if a person can just wake up one day and decide to be an active participant in their life. I’d like to think so. I’d like to think that people get better each and every day but that’s not really true. People get worse and it’s their stories that end up getting forgotten because we can’t stand an unhappy ending. The sick have to get better. Our normalcy depends upon it.
You have to value yourself. You have to want great things for your life. This sort of shit doesn’t happen overnight but it can and will happen if you want it.
Do you want it bad enough? Does the fear of being filled with regret in your thirties trump your fear of living today?
We shall see.”